As we approach the Christmas break with excitement and anticipation, many of us are aware of a bubbling cauldron of family conflict which could flare up at any time. But this is said to be the season of peace and goodwill; so how well do we deal with these situations at Christmas. Here are some tips
Let the emotions subside
Until this happens you can't get started! In difficult negotiations in the real world, a mediator might be called in to facilitate these discussions and will often be required to deal with the emotion of the parties. You may find you are asked to adopt this role at home. If so, let the emotion play out. Until the emotion has subsided, the parties will not be able to deal with the matter sensibly. At that point, it is worth remembering that the main role of a mediator is to help those who are in conflict to find the solution themselves and not just provide them with what you think is right.
Explain clearly
Be clear about what has happened from your perspective, if you need to . Explain the impact on you and what you need. Formulate a request about what positive steps you would like the other person to take. Use neutral language. Don't seek to apportion blame. Don't exaggerate. Use "I"-statements not "you"-statements (e.g. "you never ..." "You always ...".
Listen patiently
What is the benefit of listening in situations of conflict? Well the answer is that you are more likely to get the deal that you want by listening to what the other person wants. Practise empathy. Check back that you have heard correctly. Check that you understand what they need and what they are asking for.
Look for a win/win
Once you understand this, you can explore common ground, look for opportunities to add value to the discussions, and explore solutions which might benefit both parties. It is worthwhile remembering that resolving disputes involves good negotiating skills and the outcome of good negotiations will often involve a win for both sides (“win/win”). Whilst most of us are tempted to put our arguments more forcefully as a way of resolving conflict (just shouting louder!), clever negotiators realise that getting to resolution usually involves more listening and less telling. As Sir Winston Churchill famously said “Jaw-jaw is better than to war-war”.
Find a solution which is fair to all
The best solutions are those which are fair to all parties. They are much more likely to last. In the season of peace and goodwill we ought to be more aware of finding those solutions. Seek to collaborate not just to compromise.
Therefore, as you negotiate your way through Christmas, take the opportunity of this season of peace and goodwill to take a less confrontational approach. Take the opportunity to practise good negotiating skills and test out an approach which you can use during the rest of the year.
With all of that in mind may I wish you a very Merry Christmas!
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